Monday Memo: April Fool!
By Holland Cooke
Consultant
Pick a day, any day. At least one news item will have the little voice in your head hollering “TELL me you’re kidding!” After recent headlines, and as various plots thicken, that little voice might need a lozenge.
In olden times, DJs’ and hosts’ April 1 on-air shenanigans would amuse and/or upset listeners. Some of these gags cost jesters their jobs. Expect less of that today, as the local talent ranks have thinned. Maybe A.I. DJs will come up with something.
As cutbacks were cascading on April 1, 2008, my gallows humor headline was: “Farid himself now voice-tracking True Oldies, using on-air name Fred Soulman, as staff cuts force management on-air. The Mystery Oldie-of-the-Day winner gets 1,000 shares of Citadel stock or $1,000 cash, whichever is less. APRIL FOOL!”
Back to the future: Many surviving jocks and talkers and newscasters have something in common, what consultants call “word economy.” It’s never been more important than during these dizzying days, but it’s nothing new. All along, those who took only 7 seconds to make a point seemed to be more successful than those who took 17 seconds. When I was a DJ, I stole a line from WABC’s Dan Ingram, who intro’d the Elton John song, “Someone Shaved My Wife Tonight.”
If you’re spinning the hits, streams are spinning more of ‘em, without eight-unit stopsets. So keep it moving. Doing news? Listeners are wondering “What NEXT?” and if you’re telling them, succinctly, they’ll find you helpful and habit-forming. Hosting a talk show? Understand that every other media experience listeners favor is interactive. Busy caller traffic (something local advertisers notice) lets you own topic du jour.
And whether you’re a DJ, news person, or host: Every…single…minute…someone just got in the car. Reset frequently-enough that they’re up-to-speed.
But don’t take my word for it. Being April Fool’s Day, I’ll let these funsters (some immortal) demonstrate this word economy I preach:
“I saw a bank that said ‘24-hour banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”
— Comedian Steven Wright, my Block Island neighbor
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
— Rita Rudner
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
— Joan Rivers
Holland Cooke (HollandCooke.com) is a consultant working at the intersection of broadcasting and the Internet. He is the author of “The Local Radio Advantage: Your 4-Week Tune-In Tune-Up,” and “Close Like Crazy: Local Direct Leads, Pitches & Specs That Earned the Benjamins” and “Confidential: Negotiation Checklist for Weekend Talk Radio.” Follow HC on Twitter @HollandCooke and connect on LinkedIn.


Will video save the radio star? I hope so.
Before the bound copy arrived – at which point all work stopped – Arbitron would send “Advances.” Even those topline numbers ground things to a halt, and had some PDs doing cartwheels, others out on the ledge. ‘Seems quaint now.
The headlines haven’t been kind to journalism lately. That recent
1. Financial solvency laws. Consolidation is not the problem; it actually saved the radio industry. The problem is the 1986 rule change that dropped financial solvency requirements for station ownership. Prior to 1986, stations could not be purchased with debt. A potential owner had to prove that they could meet the expenses of a station through the duration of its license. Once the financial efficacy rule was dropped and stations could be purchased with debt, the industry was financially decimated. Prediction: Financial solvency laws will be re-instated.
March is half over, and the Madness is just beginning.
For spring break this year, Sarah and I revisited Sandals Grand Bahamian all-inclusive resort – NOT inexpensive, and very worth it. We’ve already booked same-week-next-year, and we think we know who we’ll see there then.

Think about the concept for just a minute. Manhattan Island for $24? Peter Minuit knew value.
Sell a local advertiser a promotion – a contest which awards a major prize from the advertiser’s inventory – to the winner who creates the best commercial for the advertiser.
Original ideas are golden and rare. Here are five ideas worth stealing because of their novelty, success and oh-wow factor!
Is that host read you are pitching “baked-in?”
It’s not your imagination. The world has gone daffy. The USA is all-but boots-on-the-ground in rough neighborhoods around the world. Weather is getting even wackier. The next gun nut could open fire, at any moment, anywhere. 2024 campaign? It’s a long way to November. And even in this rebounding economy, supermarket prices still hit-home… if you can get there.
Radio programming is like any business. Our best prospects are existing customers (getting people already listening to listen more often). And – without spending a dime on outside promotion – we can if the station is known-for-knowing. Set the expectation that we have listeners’ backs and optimize the information we deliver.
Are you a sales curmudgeon? You know, that old-school, out-of-touch terrestrial radio ad sales rep who is too lazy to learn the new digital/social media sales world?
When reviewing our industry’s awards such as the Crystals or Marconis there are two categories missing. They are: “Best New” and “Best Innovation.” Imagine if winners were announced for these prizes:
Have we passed the disappointment of 2023?
If you’re a news/talk station, don’t assume that you own “news radio” in your market. Imaging is important, but it merely talks-the-talk. You walk-the-walk with local news copy that delivers what solid commercial copy does: benefits. Just doing local news makes you special. But do listeners simply hear a station voice… reading something? Are you merely… accurate? Or do you deliver “take-home pay,” unwrapping the story to tell the listener something useful?
If 
Super Bowl LVIII could have been the best ever.
For several years I’ve had the surprising privilege of serving as a member of the nominating committee of the Radio Hall of Fame. How does the process work? Let me clear up some of the mystery. FAQ:
One person can make a difference.